heyy.
it's time for me to be emo over my screwed life again.
these few months, life have had its ups and downs.
friends like MCP cheered me up, and were always there for me.
thanks guys.
not forgetting 402 as well,
i miss you all so badly, i can almost break down in tears and weep like a sissy.
but there are some things i must say.
all these while i kept saying 'i love nanhua','i love 402' and all.
and i really do.
but though i may say that,
i want to put this point forward. blatantly.
i MIND the fact that though i try so hard to change,
though i try so hard to be a better person so that people accept me,
i dont think it has made any difference. for some unknown reason.
be it me being too paranoid or what, i dont give a fuck. seriously.
i MIND what people say about me,
and i MIND the fact that most of my efforts have come to naught.

i'm known for being a stubborn 'megalomaniac'
i want 'power'
i always want to prove that im right,
and those who counter, wrong.
i DONT change easily.
but i have been FORCING myself to do so.
because i want to be a better person.
i want people to truly accept me for being who i am.

at this point, it is impossible to say something like, 'i define what i am'
that is just fucking bullshit.
the society defines us, and we ARE what they define us to be.
to someone who killed in the name of revenge,
there was nothing wrong with his doing.
but to the society, this is unacceptable.
and he must be punished. labelled as a criminal.

so many things have happened,
and thru it all, i KNOW that fact more than anything.
so here i am being genuine.
here i am trying to not fake a smile, but REALLY smile.
here i am trying so hard to be contented with life.
here i am, though hopeless, but still hoping,
that people would see me in a different light.
maybe i have not done enough.
maybe i seem fake.
maybe i give the feeling that once people accept me again,
i will revert back to the old me and take advantage of people once again.
and though i want to say that i dont care about all these,
i wont deny the very fact that i do.

i am just wishing that those who were once dear to me would never forget me,
and those whom i love will love me back.
it really doesnt matter if you hate me or not.
because i know i wouldnt hate you.
i've grown sick and tired of those things.
things which serve no other purpose but obsure the reason for my existence.
i live not only for myself, but for others as well.
if not i would have been dead long ago.
and the reason for my existence?
i wish for nothing but people around me to be happy.
so that i have the motivation to be happy as well.
yes i need motivation to be happy,
because i dont have/own anything 'innate' which makes me happy,
apart from my friends.
apart from YOU.
who cares, and reads my blog.

life in nanhua has been of such indescribable significance to me,
though it was only 4 short years.
so i apologize if i have offended you in any way.
i beg on my knees and seek your forgiveness.
and im totally sincere about it.
i really am. i really am. i really am. i really am.
i want to be able to wave to you when i see you on the street,
and you wave back. with a smile.

so let us start all over again;
and let all hatred be gone.
i want to be someone my friends can rely on.

so God, please.
don't let whatever unhappy stuff rob me of my beautiful, perfect memories of Nanhua.
i love you guys.
i love 402- every single classmate, every single subject teacher.
i look forward to seeing you guys again.

P.S. i know some of the stuff dont make sense, but i suck at expressing myself. so do try to understand it anyway LOLOLOL.

TATA~